It's Not About the Shock Value
by Yarrie - Water Master
Summary: Izaya keeps a list of all the kinks that he doesn't have. Established Shizaya mentioned.


Possible continuation in the works as well. Enjoy Izaya-the-unkinky-sort-of. And semi-established Shizaya.

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**It's Not About the Shock Value**

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It was inevitable, because Izaya is reasonably popular on the Internet, and the Internet is the Internet, and Izaya is Izaya.

Yes, Izaya is _Izaya_ - and he doesn't do anything normally, so why would he have sex normally? - which is why it comes as no surprise that one stray speculation about Izaya's sexual orientation on the Net triggers a sudden flood of rumors in Ikebukuro and Shinjuku and Shibuya and really all 23 wards of Tokyo that Orihara Izaya is a kinky bastard in bed.

He's been expecting gossip on this topic for quite some time, the only surprise is that it's taken this long. His fans are such a disappointing bunch.

Most of the rumors are completely wrong, of course, but Izaya likes to tease the rest of Ikebukuro by acting like they are.

The fact that a lot of his kinky little gestures towards Shizu-chan, towards Dota-chin, towards Kida-kun, towards Dollars in general because it's totally possible to do kinky things with an Internet entity (just ask Erika), towards Celty, _with_ Shinra and not just towards Shinra because Shinra is his friend and their senses of humor tend to overlap, towards...

...too many to list, moving on. Ahem. The fact that a lot of his kinky little gestures _don't actually turn him on_ seems to escape the majority of the population.

Izaya can prove it, though, because he keeps track of them like a good little informant.

1. There is a busted up can of whipped cream that's on sale for merchandise damage. He buys it because it's on sale and he happens to know that Shizu-chan is in a rather nice neighborhood today so it'd be funny to see the reaction if he sprays it all over Shizu-chan's face and licks it off in public.

It's not that he doesn't understand the appeal of sweet things dripping on the skin of a sufficiently attractive person.

But...you really aren't supposed to exercise right after eating, you know?

Besides, he doesn't like sweet things, and raw fish is _unsanitary_ at skin temperature.

2. He finds an online adult store with the most humiliating looking - and sparkly - dildos he has ever seen, and he looks at them with the curious fascination of an alien observer before typing in Shizu-chan's address from pure muscle memory.

Izaya genuinely has no idea why there's a market for dildos. He thinks it's _interesting_, though, that there's an entire subculture of people out there who prefer rubber cocks to the real thing.

Well, to be perfectly fair, Izaya is not much better, because Shizu-chan is ostensibly NOT A HUMAN which means everything he does to the guy has an odd touch of bestiality to it. Sort of. Do protozoa count?

3. Izaya happens to own a whip. It's a nice one, with a good amount of weight on the end so that it makes a nice arc in the air and cracks beautifully. He's never used it, not even as a threat, not even for sex, because honestly it's too pretty and too inconvenient.

This is how you crack a whip: step back, swing up smoothly, elbow pointed at your target, fully extend the whip, let it loop, _snap_.

This is how you have sex: body contact - everything else being negotiable. Unless it's phone sex, which Izaya isn't terribly fond of because he hasn't found anybody who's as good as he is, or foreplay, but even then Izaya likes his foreplay to happen a little bit closer than the meter or so radius that you need to crack a whip the right way_._

Proper whipping technique and proper sexual technique, therefore, are sort of incompatible.

4. Izaya kind of likes crossdressing, because people stare at his legs and his throat and his lips, which is simultaneously an incredible ego trip and an excellent business strategy. Plus it's hilarious when he reveals his gender by flipping his own skirt or doing something equally dramatic. He's particularly proud of the time he made somebody's jaw literally drop, popping out of its socket on one side - the man was taken to the ER but the surgery went well, don't worry.

The thing is, though, crossdressing doesn't _do it_ for him. The blood keeps circulating happily in his brain instead of diverting below the belt. He doesn't think of the skirt-pantyhose-stilettos-lipstick ensemble as anything but a disguise. Being a girl isn't inherently kinky, so the same goes for pretending to be one.

Actually, the biggest reason Izaya doesn't find crossdressing sexy in the slightest...is that he doesn't find clothing in general to be sexy. If somebody looks better with their clothes _on_, there's a _problem_.

5. Shower sex really, really sucks when it's in a small shower with old tiles because Shizu-chan doesn't make enough to own the apartment, much less renovate the bathroom. Shower sex also sucks even when there's a nice porcelain backdrop like in Izaya's house, because Shizu-chan's hands break everything except Izaya.

Izaya used to like shower sex. It's Shizu-chan's fault that he doesn't anymore.

6. One word: 69. That is all.

It gives him a crick in his neck. Cricks are not sexy. Phone calls to Shinra asking for an appointment are not sexy. Baffled examination questions like, "So you have a neck kink? Literally, I mean?" are not sexy. Confused, perfectly unscathed blond ex-bartenders are not sexy, except when they are, which is an even bigger problem than 69 could ever be.

7. Nothing.

Because everything else is fair game.


End file.
